3/21/13

So, I "had" a boyfriend

I don't even want to post this, mostly because it saddens me.

It also make me angry.

It also means it is what I say it is "had" past tense, finished.

There was this guy, this man really, with a beautiful soul, a huge heart and he made me filled to the brim with so much. I felt things I never knew I could, I heard things I never thought a man would whisper and I put my faith in the way he cared for me. I laughed so much. He was such a goof, he'd giggle, he'd roar in laughter and I would exclaim "I'm gonna pee" then we would laugh harder, together, always together. He would be deep, he would stop and grab my face and speak right into my heart, thoughtfully and with purpose. He knew God, he knows God. We shared this with hands connected and hearts bowed before our Father, we prayed, he would fast, he was serious, is serious. He taught me, I am not sure if he is even aware of this but he did. He taught me to not judge, he taught me there is more to a person than meets the eye. He didn't shave his beard, he loved comics and I who once thought "lame" enjoyed this about him, enjoyed his authenticity, enjoyed his determination. We talked about forever, we laughed about forever, we dreamed about forever, smiled about it and sighed with great exhales of anticipation for forever. I said to him "You're my first boyfriend, I hope you'll be my last"- he hoped for that too. He respected me. He honored me. He wouldn't cross lines and to make sure of this he initiated conversations about boundaries and protecting ourselves. He is a beautiful soul, a thoughtful soul, one I miss more each day, one I wish I could run back to and shake until his eyes became clear again but he is a "had" and that means done. With every end comes a new beginning, I have heard that one and it make me crazy inside. I thought he was my new beginning, I thought when I stood on my porch and he grabbed my face, stared into my eyes and said "I'm not going to kiss you, until you're ready, I'll wait for you" that a future together was being created. A picture was being painted. I remember the words, remember the joys and I also remember the struggles. He was deeply passionate and not afraid to show it. I also, am passionate, I labelled myself a psycho, he said that was not a label he would ever place on me. He said "If it matters to you, I'll respect it, it'll matter to me" - those words never hold true and they rarely are followed through on. He did however care for me, and I do feel like what he said he meant but somewhere we lost it. Somewhere in the midst of it all, in the midst of the excitement, he wanted out. Hard conversations were on our horizon and instead of us being adults, taking our time and digging into them with scripture at hand, we, he ended it. I say he because I didn't want any part of it, I didn't agree with it. The moment the words came "we'll do amazing things, just not together" I could have puked! I told him I might, he looked panicked. The tears came slowly down my cheek, God held me, He cradled me in His arms and protected me in the grief. I sat there limp as he tried to make sense of his words he had heard from God, I also tried to make sense of it. One argument turned into the end, an argument we never came to any solid conclusion from, an argument that I whole heartily believed would have had much more discussion is what shot our relationship down. An argument that we both vowed to never have without God in it, without the word open, two things drastically missing from that evening. I still feel like puking, every night since that one I feel like puking, I cry, I scream and I pray. This heart of mine is praying. Clarity would be nice, revelation also, maybe a swift kick to the head? I am praying, haven't stopped. The man who I "had" dated is a child of God, he is a man of faith, he is solid, bible-believing and I know that what satan had so much fun with that night God can work out. I don't know what this will ever look like, I am pretty convinced he will remain a "had" in my life but I am thankful for my time with him. I grieve the loss, I am furious at the lack of communication and I am sad, so so so sad that something so dear to my heart was taken. I am so sad how we can go from "I am going to sleep with you someday, not in a sexual way but beside you, us together" to him becoming a "had" in my life. If I could sit with him one more time, if I could connect to his heart again, if he would give me 5 minutes of his time I would say this;

Beloved, thank-you for everything you gave me. Live your life for God, do not follow men's teachings, think for yourself guided by the word and know I miss you terribly, I never wanted this and I wish this was a "hello" not a "goodbye." Be on guard. Always on guard dear one.

So, I "had" a boyfriend and now I have an "ex" boyfriend, there is indeed usually a first for everything.

4 comments:

Courtney Jane said...

Oh honey! I am SO sorry to hear all of this! A breakup is always going to be difficult, and when one party doesn't agree with the end, it's a horrible feeling. You are a BEAUTIFUL woman and don't let yourself believe otherwise. Call or text me anytime! You know where to find me. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

momma bear said...

I love you Pookie. Thanks for this :)

ElleBelle said...

Sad to hear this, Walshy! Love is an incredible thing. I pray you are brave (well I know you are!) and I pray that your heart mends.

Anonymous said...

Praying and thinking of you Walshy! It's so painful to go through a break up. I hope that each day becomes clearer and brighter for you. Keep talking, crying, and wondering with Jesus. -Lynne