Not sure who is left out there...

I am not sure who, if anyone still reads this page. I have been neglecting my blogging life something fierce for over a year really and it's time I feel to stop and reflect again.


I have had a lot of up's and down's in both my relationships, work life, money issues, home purchasing and in the areas of my faith. In the end Christ always remains my center and I am thankful that despite my blatant rebellion He is still whispering "I love you Sarah" in my ear.


Praise God.


As I enter a Saturday of winter blues, I am trying despite my anger filled texts to a boyfriend who I know loves me, keep my focus on God. He is not going anywhere in my life. I have been in an odd spot of transition littered with stress which is doing numbers on my physical body. With purchasing a new home, thinking of renovations, trying to learn how to fuse my life to another's(enter the boyfriend), find joy in my job, in my church and in my spiritual life I have been,


well,
struggling.


One thing remains the same; "I am pretty hungry for Heaven" and I am very tired.


satan has actually been winning sometimes even in my mind, I try when I can with Gods' help to kick him out but he is pretty persistent. Through moments with Pastors, friends and family we are praying him out of my life and putting him back in his place. *under my feet!


Sin is running rampant, and sometimes..I don't want to admit this I don't even feel sorry, I feel annoyed that I have to live differently then others. This is that whole satan playing in my mind thing. I am blessed to have a Father who is constantly pulling me back in, brushing me off and saying "I forgive you, let's keep walking" - sometimes I feel like I am limping, like I need more water, like I will just rest here for awhile and catch up later but Jesus isn't leaving me or letting me stop. He is a pretty persistent comforter.


It's winter today on the prairies, white snow covers all the "garbage" at the landfill literally as I look out my scale window.. I am remembering that nothing but the blood of Jesus can save me; not my own strength, my boyfriends love, my families support, my paycheck, my security, my selfishness, my pride, my beauty or my dreams.


Nothing.But.The.Blood!


-Help me to remember this dear Jesus.

So...I quit

I did, after four years I am saying good-bye to my job at the church.

I am most definitely NOT saying good-bye to:

• the church
• my youth
• my God
• Grande Prairie

It's been a long time coming of me praying & wrestling in which now I finally have peace, such peace. I feel the calming reassurance that "You can still do Gods's work without receiving a paycheck from the church"

With this decision has come many attacks in many forms:

• on my faith
• my heart
• through an ex-boyfriend
• through lies
• through gossip

Satan is having a field day and I am thankful for all of my praying friends who are always there with me to fight off the darkness. As I transition I would love if you could keep me in your prayers, ask God;

• to remind me I am His
• nothing can snatch me away
• being a christian has nothing to do with where you work
• He is faithful

All my love blogging peeps, God is good :)

I love Him.

Brothers, they're a hard thing from time to time but also so gentle, very gentle.

My younger brother adores me and by adores me I literally mean he cares a GREAT deal about me. He worries when a new "boy" comes calling, he warns me to be on my guard, he shakes his head and he says straight up "guys are jerks, I am a jerk and I don't like guys talking to you." His heart is so huge. Some people say "Ben is so protective of you, so over the top, he needs to settle down, give you space." The thing that bothers me so much about these statements is that none of these people truly know Ben, know his motives; he loves. He has said broken with tears in his eyes "I want you to be married soo bad, to meet the great guy but I am so fearful that you'll be hurt" -

He would hate for me to say this but Ben reminds me of my Jesus sometimes (a lot of the times- He would HATE being compared this way but I know none of you will tell him and he doesn't read my blog! haha) My Jesus knows I have to walk, that I will make choices, some that are wise others that will require bandaids but He gives me wisdom, discernment and walks with me through it all.

Ben is a lover, and he loves me and I am so thankful for him everyday. We may be different, may be a lot closer than other siblings but I think our relationship is simply a gift from God; a blessing and I will not tell people "ah I am lucky." I am not I have been blessed by my Saviour with a brother and friend who surpasses all my expectations of him (and I am a pretty demanding gal!!!)

Once in conversation with a friend I was mad that Ben hadn't shoveled the driveway yet (his job) and I said "I should just shovel my side of the driveway and put all my snow on his side as a punishment." My girlfriend said "that would be a dumb move because he will just shovel it all back to your side." But you know what? I sat there stunned because my Benny Boo Boo Benny would NEVER EVER shovel the snow back, he wouldn't, just never would. Ben is a giver, a lover and a friend with no hidden motives.

My Jesus is all these things and MORE!

How blessed indeed!

Trust

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

                               Oceans- Hillsong

It is time to blog, it's been too long I need to be more on top of this but time goes at a really fast speed it feels like. In the words of my Estonian roommate Chris though "Everyone just thinks they're busy, there is always time" - As she boards a flight tonight back to Europe to attend her mothers funeral I think yes, there really is always time. What am I spending my time in or on though?

Usually nothing or pinterest rarely do I find myself nestled in a good book, on my knees in prayer, singing praises or reading the word. Don't get me wrong, I do these things but they're not on the priority list in my life most times (dishes, laundry, pinterest, a movie, gardening) all of these other "important" things end up taking over my life. As I sat up late with Chris last night talking through the confusion it dawned on me that there is so much in this life we cannot control, that's ok too. She said to me "I can't control what is happening here, I just cannot let it control me" - Did I mention how I am certain Chris was sent here to speak to my heart?!?!

We cannot control life. I cannot control if someone will break my heart, if my car wont shift into gear (a fun time this morning with a trip to the dealership, which resulted in a missed workout, no breakfast and finding out my warranty is out haha), I cannot control it. I can however control my response to the arguments, the frustrations, the trials. Will I respond in love, joy, peace? Will I take a breath and really say "Lord, this really isn't the end of the world, help me out here" - I and I think we all need to pause, find the time to focus on what's actually important.

As I showered this morning uttering prayers for Chris, for my car, for a friends bills to be met, for my relationships I realized this is relationship with my Maker. Being able to actually talk to the Creator and knowing that He hears me and He cares about what I am saying (even if He chuckles from time to time).

Get in the presence of our Savior, that's how I feel as I play "Oceans by Hillsong" on repeat this morning. Resting in God's embrace is where I remember I am His and He is mine and that is where I can let all the worry go.

Life has been fast-paced, it has been fun, it has been hard, I have cried crocodile tears and smiled giant amounts of joy. - God is faithful. 

Challenging myself to get on my knees daily, reading His love story to me and all of you and knowing I am the tax collector from Luke 18:13 I will seek His face for all I need.

"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'"

Oh Lord, Have mercy on me.